The evolution of light

7:33 pm.  I walk into the house from the second floor balcony and into darkness.  I am forced to turn on the lamp at the side of the bed.  Already?

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An end of summer sadness comes over me as the full moon begins to take control of the early night sky, illuminating it like a 100-watt light bulb magnified one thousand times  over.

I make peace with the fact that soon the days will be cut short by the change of season.  I crave summer ale knowing that in a week or so this brand will be out of stock until next year.  Enjoy it while you can, I think, when my next thought brightens my mood...I take notice of the candle burning next to the beautiful flowers I picked just this morning, which had automatically lifted my spirits like a dose of Wellbutrin...I look at the flame and am reminded of what for me is the upside of my sorrow at summer's eminent departure.

I get to burn more candles.

When the days become shorter and darkened by rainclouds or gloomy overcast, candles offer illumination and warmth to the murkiness and complement the sound of rain beating against the window.  I'm feeling mellow already.  I feel new love rising. This transition has to happen.  It is the natural order of things...I go with the evolutionary flow.

I grin at the image I hold of tea light candles and scented votives lining the dresser next to my bed.  Awaiting me is autumn's promise, a winter solstice, and a glimmer of hope. It's an intimacy that comforts me like a warm blanket on a cold November night...

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I smile, reassured that there is beauty and benefit in every season, and there is really no need to dread the passing of summer with its warm days, outdoor music festivals, barbecues, salsa dancing by the lake, summer fruit, sunflowers and heightened passion...The fall carries its own splendor, its own kind of romance. I am certain to be overjoyed with the change of color in the sky, with the leaves on the trees that will shed like a furry animal only to come back renewed and blooming with new life...later...

So on the night of this brilliant full moon, I will  briefly mourn this summer's transit as it gives way to a season of flickering lights, earth tones, and another opportunity to find hope and love and laughter; friendships that turn golden with each sunset; pumpkin pie and beer flavors to match...

Tonight I will take splendor as I slip into the inevitable darkness that seemingly comes much too soon. I slip but land firmly in that space between summer and fall, the evolution of light, adjusting my attitude and warming my heart...I shall enjoy what remains of this season and I embrace what is yet to come.

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To have gratitude is to be present, to be thoughtful and to know love…

"Gratitude is the heart's memory" ~ French proverb

Sitting here in a lovely home where I am housesitting for a month and feeling awfully grateful and abundant and loved and protected and cared for.  A complete stranger has allowed me to look after her home in her absence.  Of course I was vetted, as much as one can be vetted in this circumstance, but still.  And only a few days prior to my moving in here for the next thirty days, I was in a home with a family that welcomed and embraced me as if I were their kin.  How fucking awesome is that, and how fucking fortunate I am to have that love… love happens.

Last November I gave up my home of twenty-two years.  For more than two decades it had been my sanctuary, the place I came to for peace, to rest, to play, to entertain and be entertained, to love myself and those who entered that space with all its warmth, laughter, love, kindness.  I surrendered this dwelling that was my paradise for so long because I had lost the ability to pay the rent, but now I realize that I hadn’t lost the ability to be and do all those things that I’d been doing when I could afford to live there.  I am grateful.  

I am grateful for the solitude and quiet surrounding me in this beautiful home, for the peace and quiet that surrounds my soul, for the ability to be present in this moment, to enjoy the blessings that I have in this now and not worry about tomorrow because I know and believe that it will take care of itself. 

In this marvelous moment that is my life, I am thankful for the crickets song bringing music to the night, for the serenity of the neighborhood that make up this community, for the friendliness of neighbors I have met since being here.  Looking out for one another should come naturally.  

I appreciate the opportunity to sit on a deck and look onto the hills as I wonder what the people who live there are up to, and hope that they appreciate what they have even if everything else in life is going awry.  Life and living life is not always easy.  But oh, there is so much charm to behold.  It makes my heart dance.

As I sit here, having had a healthy and filling kale salad followed by a Belgian ale that goes so well with Trader Joe’s Bite Size Everything crackers, I am well aware that there are so many souls out there that don’t have this kind of tranquility and comfort.  I pray for the safety of any woman, man, or child out there who have nothing but a cold and uncomfortable concrete palette to sleep on tonight, as I recognize how fortunate I am that this is not my situation, but it could be.  I wish for a world, an existence where our basic human needs and rights are met without us having to kick and scream for it, cause we all deserve the right to affordable housing, healthcare, a living wage, food, clothing and education that does not cost us our arms or our legs… Why we have to come up against so much resistance to this still bogles my mind and makes me furious.  I don’t know nor have I ever met anyone who wants to be without these things. 

And if I weren’t sitting still, if I was not being mindful and present I may not realize that I have so many more things to be grateful for than not.  A life worth living.  A life worth fighting for.  A life that is mine to live as long as in that living I don’t cause harm to others.  A life full of people who only want what’s best for me, who love me for me rather than assume to know what’s best for me and love only if I meet their conditions for that love.  

I am grateful for the people who are and have been in my life that has made this living a thing to cherish, a thing to appreciate and to live in a way that creates community and love and giving and the wish for the happiness and well-being of everybody, including me. 

It is, in spite of everything, a radiant life.  And I hope to keep living and loving radiantly so much so that it brings love and radiance to those who have been a part of it. 

With my deepest gratitude I share this life and this moment with you.  May you find your moment to be still and find all that makes your life abundant and blessed.

To be continued (as I plan to keep on living and be eternally grateful)…